you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
