i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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