Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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