Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
