when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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