Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize