Please, let me fuck your mom
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
smell my finger.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
