I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
