Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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