one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
