I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
