Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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