Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Randomize
