Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
