She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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