can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
