My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
