If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
