i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
