First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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