hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
