3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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