i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
