I think my fart just growled at me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize