I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
