my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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