you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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