The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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