i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
