life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
