i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
