Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize