the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
