I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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