I think scott just propositioned me for sex
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think I won the penis lottery.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
