I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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