I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
