Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize