I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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