Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
