alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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