mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
