It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
zippers are such a cool invention
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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