just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
