Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
