My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
