She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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