He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
