Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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