On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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