woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
