I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
third nipple confirmed
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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