It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
