hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
