Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
