This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
